The Falcon   |   Volume 81, Issue 26

Published 6/02/10   |   Log In

Asking makes the kiss

Domitrz suggests students try permission before passion

By TARA MEYER, News Writer

Published: May 18, 2005

The front two rows remained almost entirely empty as Upper Gwinn filled with students, an audience erupted into nervous giggles and groans when asked to move closer together and fill in the front area.

Although keeping their distance from each other, these SPU students were gathered to hear a presentation on intimacy. Wednesday's Group, titled "Can I Kiss You?," brought national speaker, author and brother of a rape survivor Mark Domitrz to the SPU campus to explore how permission can help in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in intimate relationships.

He asked the audience, "Do people ask you, when they want to kiss you?"

"No," the students said.

Men and women dialogued back and forth, with Domitrz in some moments being, the mediator/interpreter, and in others a storyteller.

When women in the audience were asked why they didn't ask, one woman said they didn't want to be vulnerable.

"Typically, it's the man's job," another woman said.

"It's not my job to tell you what I can do with your body," Domitrz said.

One woman pointed to fear of rejection as her reason for not asking if she could kiss a man.

"It ruins the moment," said another

"Maybe you didn't have a 'moment,'" Domitrz said. "Asking doesn't ruin the moment; it makes it."

Domitrz asked the men in the audience why they didn't ask. One said because of fear of rejection and another said it wasn't manly.

A girl from the audience said that she thought it would be even manlier if a man did ask.

Domitrz said to students that asking someone before you kiss them or try anything else would increase rather than hinder intimacy.

In college Domitrz's sister was brutally assaulted.

Initially, when Domitrz heard what had happened, "I lost it emotionally," he said.

But now Domitrz has written two books dealing with the issues surrounding dating. He tours the nation and Canada and speaks out about "healthy dating relationships and the need to ask and have consent," he said in an interview before the Wednesday night event.

Another reason Domitrz believed men and women didn't ask for a kiss was the fear of one damaging their "image," and appearing like a dork. But during one of the role-playing skits where junior Kemi Adeyemi played opposite Domitrz, he showed the audience what it might look like to ask for a kiss.

"I've been having a great time, I think you're great and I have had fun with you tonight, may I kiss you?" he asked.

An audible "ohhh" sound came from some of the women in the audience, and Domitrz said, "Girls want to melt after seeing that, and men are like no way."

The women in the audience were asked why they had the response they did after watching Domitrz ask Adeyemi and they said that he was complimenting her [Adeyemi], and it eliminates the awkwardness of the first kiss.

"I gave her an option -- doesn't she always have an option?" he asked. "If you never ask how do you know what the other person's boundaries are?"

"How are you going to be intimate with someone when you can't even talk to them about it first?" he asked.

Crystal Manchester, who attended the event, thought that it was a great, eye opening experience.

"It was really nice to hear a guy's perspective on how they view relationships and how they perceive things," she said. "It broke the stereotype that women can't be in control, can't be assertive so that they can be in control. They have the right to be assertive."

Domitrz told the audience that after his presentation that night there are no more excuses for not asking.

"Take a split second to do the right thing," Domitrz said. "Because it's sexy."

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