Bekah Grim is a junior majoring in creative writing

President Phil W. Eaton has increased tuition by 6.75 percent for the upcoming academic year. In the recent e-mail describing this increase, it wasn't clear about exactly where our tuition dollars were going. Eaton mentioned new faculty positions and more financial aid, but wasn't specific as to how much of the tuition increase is going to those.

In fact, the clearest part of the whole e-mail was the picture of Eaton sitting cross-legged in a leather chair. Although the portrait was adorable, it was not very informative.

Due to the vague phrasing in the e-mail, such as our money being used "to invest in the critical ongoing operations of the University," I have decided to create a top 10 list of where our tuition dollars are going.

10. A pack of German Shepherds to patrol Demaray Hall and sniff out the scent of tobacco on students. The dogs will be reminded not to report or detect the smell of tobacco on professors or faculty.

9. An extra 10,000 copies of The Falcon printed off every week. The unused newspapers are going to be utilized in a new ministry that pairs Urban Involvement with family consumer science majors. This new evangelism team will help homeless adults construct paper mache nativity figurines using old newspaper issues.

Dinty Tarpan, a family consumer science major remarked, "SPU has clearly identified the need for handcrafts in the homeless community. Once SPU identifies a need, it is important for students to pay more tuition dollars to fulfill that need, with no questions asked. I think the excess stacks of Falcon newspapers will be excellent materials for paper-macheing. Hallelujah!"

8. Mandatory muzzles to be worn by the members of the GLBT discussion group Haven, so that the administration can be assured their voices will not be heard on campus.

University Administrator Angina Bumbershoot said, "We were shocked when a subculture wanted to have a voice on campus and that students wanted to talk about homosexuality rather than just ignoring it. But luckily, this is a problem that can be easily fixed. If we can't hear them, then they don't exist, right? If the members of Haven are wearing muzzles, we won't have to listen to their request to be an officially recognized club."

7. Two-way pagers for all students, which are connected directly to Safety and Security and the Seattle Police Department. This will make it easier to immediately contact the authorities in case a student sees a "suspicious character" entering the library. The criterion for what makes a person "suspicious" was left undefined in order to make it easier for students to report individuals on the basis of emotional impulse and the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit.

6. A selection of decorative peppers placed strategically throughout Gwinn Commons. Student manager Mike Mustache celebrates these new arrangements.

"This is exactly what student dining needed. Instead of actually improving the food, we decided to make the dining hall more aesthetically pleasing. Let me tell you, the students are really eating up the cafeteria's new look."

5. A gold plated statue of Kirk Cameron high-fiving Max Lucado. This display will be erected in the center of Martin Square to indicate that SPU stands behind the inspirational Christian mouthpieces of our generation.

4. Paying back the thousands of dollars borrowed from China to build the "Seattle Pacific University" arch in front of Tiffany Loop.

3. A new plastic cereal dispenser in the cafeteria. This decision was made after comment cards complained about the difficulty of scooping cereal out of the regular glass jars.

One student said that the old cereal jars were "even more tearfully confusing than the math placement test."

Another student wrote in his or her own blood on a comment card, "I've given up on pouring cereal into a bowl. It's impossible. If you're going to expect students to know how to do this, you better make it a Common Curriculum requirement to take a class explaining how cereal is used in Christian culture."

During a student senate meeting, the president of SPU's student body was asked if he had ever attempted the task of accessing cereal in the cafeteria, to which he responded, "I've never been hungry in Gwinn, not because the food isn't delicious, but because I've already Eaton."

2. The Mike Huckabee campaign fund.

1. The 37five Project, which allows Bible study groups to write a check to a nonprofit organization using the tuition dollars of other students. This project also allows students to avoid the obnoxious task of doing hands-on service work to help a nonprofit organization, and instead, teaches them that donating other people's money is much more convenient.