A group of confused meth addicts wandered into Weter Hall last Friday after following blue signs with bold letters advertising "SPEED." Instead of scoring the illegal drug, they were surprised to find out it was Residence Life putting on a night of Speed Dating.

One of the meth addicts, Elbow Humperdink, was pleased once he got started speed dating instead of speed shooting.

"Yeah, we thought we was getting a sweet hook up, and we was disappointed, but then I had the greatest time. I even met my wife Kitty here," Humperdink explained, hugging his freshman bride Kat Hall while itching at a scab.

The Speed Dating event is put on annually by Residence Life as a way to build community around the SPU campus. Residence Life Director Tony Topeka explained, "We put on these dating events because we wholly believe the best way to get to know someone is through dating or courting them. Dating is a great way to build community. The Bible says to love each other, right?"

In this past summer's Peer Adviser (PA) induction camp, the PAs were instructed to encourage, and if necessary, physically and emotionally force, students to go to these dating events in order to increase the number of SPU couples.

PA Sandy Rulex said, "Yeah, I totally understand the school's mission to promote more couples. Getting good dates is what matters, not good grades."

The PAs have also been distributing morale boosting t-shirts to encourage students to find fiancees. In lime green letters, the shirts read: "How can we engage the culture if we're not engaged?"

Their efforts are paying off. There were a record number of 10 students at the Speed Dating bonanza. Students had seconds to get to know their dates across the table before scrambling to the next seats to meet someone new.

Some students were skeptical that this might not be enough to time to discern God's calling for marriage. Luckily, theology major Jurgen Monotone was there to encourage the speed daters with a speech about hope.

"Keep dating and keep the hope!" Monotone wailed while standing on a chair.

"What this really comes down to is faith. If God can create the earth in seven days, surely he can help you meet your soul mate in seven seconds!" Then he proceeded to leap off the chair and introduce himself to seven girls in seven seconds.

Even after the speech, some members of the SPU community were downtrodden about the night of Speed Dating. Freshman Kelly Eyeliner complained about the low guy-to-girl ratio.

"I had to speed date my entire floor before I even reached the first boy."

Eyeliner said she did not find her future husband at the event, but will to continue to look on campus, especially in the men's hallway in Emerson, her favorite spot for doing homework.

Residence Life will continue their commitment to building community next fall. They have organized a 72-hour Speed Dating SPRINT missions trip to help build community in South Africa.

"I'm going to apply," Humperdink said, grinning proudly with his new wife and confused, meth-starved friends.