The Falcon   |   Volume 83, Issue 52

Published 5/22/13   |   Log In

The mustache trend must end

Women find facial hair unattractive

Published: October 31, 2012

I have this theory, called the Little Man Theory, which states that the men of Seattle Pacific grow mustaches in order to compensate for their lack of manliness.

SPU men began the mustache-wearing trend a few years ago, when the hipster movement exploded, as a sort of ironic, “Look at me, dad! I look like you,” statement.

Now, however, the mustache-wearing trend has morphed into, “Look at me, ladies! I’m in college now and I therefore have an insatiable thirst to assert my underdeveloped, post-pubescent manliness!”

In the Little Man Theory, college-aged men sport the mustache in order to compensate for the fact that they still look like boys.

Now, I understand that it must hit the ego hard for you men to finally be on your own while still retaining the same complexion you had in the seventh grade. And it’s completely understandable!

How are we women, with all our womanly maturity, supposed to flock after you if you still look like boys?

The answer to this question, as is obviously thought by the men in the Little Man Theory, is to grow a mustache. That will show the women! After all, how can a woman resist that sexy little patch of hair that captures all those manly scents from your Old Spice spray and the delicious crumbs from your Gwinn lunch?

Little Men, stay young! You’ll get old someday, where growing a mustache while driving a white van with no windows will be an acceptable form of creepy.

There is plenty of time for you to look like a pedophile. Let your youth flourish; it doesn’t last long.

We all know that mom sends you a check every month for your instant ramen, and we all know that dad still pays your car insurance. It’s okay! The jig is up; you’re not fooling anyone, especially the women of SPU.

In fact, the general consensus among the women of SPU is that the mustache needs to escape your upper lip and float away into the vast abyss of Mustache Hell.

The idea of kissing a guy with a mustache conjures up such incestuous and Freudian thoughts that I don’t even want to begin.

We women love the 5 o’clock shadow and scruff every now and again. But baby-soft skin with a straw-like patch of hair looming over the upper lip, staring us square in the face, is not our idea of sexy. In fact, it’s daunting.

Being a man-child is confusing to the opposite sex. When women see men sporting the mustache, which is all too often accompanied by a flannel shirt, we find ourselves thinking, “I’m not sure if he’s a really tiny middle-aged man or just a young dude suffering from Little Man Syndrome…”

Please, do not make us squint our eyes at you from afar! The less confusion there is between the sexes, the better. The mustache only confuses women as to whether or not you are middle-aged or college-aged.

I’m not sure how the cougars and MILFs view the young men sporting mustaches. Perhaps the mustache allows college-aged men to appeal to the cougars and MILFs in a more mature way that makes them seem more sexually and emotionally mature had they not a mustache.

However, we female spring chickens cannot stand to see another man-child walk this campus again.

So throw away that tiny pair of scissors you use to trim that puppy and step away from the mirror!

We women promise to never again complain about how all the men on this campus look extremely young if you just shave the darn mustache off.

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