Revelation 12 (an adaptation):
A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth.
Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth.
And there was war in heaven.
Then I saw another sign: a rider on a pale horse, galloping on the winds of the four corners of the earth. The horse had seven horns and seven eyes. The rider had a Boston Red Sox hat.
"Yo, Curt, what’s up?" the dragon said, as Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Curt Schilling approached on his sept-headed steed.
"Dragon dude, how’s it hanging?" Curt responded, giving the scaly creature a fist pound.
"What brings you to the Great Abyss?" the woman asked.
"Well, I just pitched six innings, allowing no earned runs and striking out four, in a World Series game-two win over the St. Louis Cardinals," Schilling answered.
"Man," the dragon said. "You guys got lucky against the Yankees. That’s all I’m saying."
At once, Michael and his angels descended from the heavenly realms and waged war with the Yankee-loving dragon. The dragon fought back but was not strong enough to withstand Michael’s forces. The great dragon was hurled down — that ancient serpent called the devil, or A-Rod, who leads the whole world astray — down into the depths of the American League East.
Then, from the west, there appeared two witnesses. One was dressed in a flowing white robe. He had eagle’s wings and the sword of righteousness in his right hand. The other was Manny Ramirez.
"Manny, who’s your friend?" Curt asked.
"I don’t know man," Ramirez said. "He’s been following me around since we won the ALCS."
"These are the two olive trees and the two lamp stands that stand before the Lord of the earth," the witness proclaimed. "If anyone tries to harm them, fire comes from their mouths and devours their enemies. This is how anyone who wants to harm them must die."
"And thou shalt not swing on a 3-0 count lest the earth open up and swallow the fornicators and slanderers," he added.
"Dig it," Ramirez said.
At once, the woman clothed with the sun went into childbirth. Her groans could be heard from the depths of the heavens and her cries echoed in the valleys.
And I saw Jason Varitek coming out of the sea to deliver the child, and David Ortiz was spewed from the mouth of the witness so that there would be someone to hold her hand and tick her off by taking too many pictures.
She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. Her child, who bore a striking resemblance to Johnny Damon, was snatched up to God and to his throne.
I looked before me and there was a cloud, and on it sat a man holding a giant scroll with a golden seal that shone with the light of heaven.
"Hey coach," Varitek said. "What’s with the scroll?"
"It’s our lineup card for tonight’s Game four," Boston coach Terry Francona said. "Hop on this cloud and the breath of the four beasts sitting around the throne will carry us to the stadium."
The Red Sox climbed onto the cloud, and, with a bellowing blast of Gabriel’s trumpet, they were off, vanishing in the distance over the Great Abyss.
At that very hour, there was a severe earthquake and a tenth of the earth collapsed. And to think, the Red Sox were only up three games to one.
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Title: The Runaround | Author: Kevan Lee | Section: Sports | Published Date: 2004-10-27 | Internal ID: 4149